Changes at 32 and an understanding of ME! :)

Something happened today while I was going through my blogs of the people I very much enjoy to read about. :) Some of them are local here in Great Falls and some, well most, are from everywhere. They are friendships I have made since August of last year and I can honestly say that I feel closer to a lot of them than I do other people I have known for years.

You would think I would have smartened up after a scrapbooking retreat I went to last year. But, no, I didn't until today. You see, I posted a long time ago on my old blog that I can't even find anymore that I KNEW who were friends to me. To me a friend is someone who has your back ALL THE TIME...not when it is convenient, makes them look good, or is the most popular choice. I am a person who has people's backs until I am simply shown I am not needed anymore or simply cast away.

Hmmm, that is a couple of words that makes me think...."CAST AWAY". It sounds like a very good term for how I have been feeling since last August. When life for me as far as friends go, took a somewhat funky turn. I met one of the most wonderful people (though we have sometimes disagreed) I know right now...she is ALL HEART and it is a PURE HEART. She had bought our local scrapbook store here and made it her own...she literally changed EVERYTHING. Some liked it, others...not so much. I remember being told by the past owner to go in and make her feel welcome and support her. I seemed to be the only one who did for a while. Yes, there were excuses like: "It's not the same", "there are too many changes", "it's no longer home" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH....E-X-C-U-S-E-S! There were also gossip, rumors, whatever.... going on to. Who knows who started it and who the heck cares anymore. All I know and remember is EVERYONE got hurt. Sides were taken, friendships were stressed, and now it seems unraveled. :(

I have been discouraged and saddened by this for a while now....until today. While I was reading the blogs of everyone I know.....yes, I have become a thing I have despised for a LONG time....a LURKER....it is even a CREEPY word for it. I decided....I am done. I was talking to Becky last night. Many of you know she is my BEST FRIEND and I always like what she has to say and I listen to her for a lot of reasons, the biggest one is because she is very calm when making decisions...where I am blunt and to the point. Anyways, she said that she was talking to an old friend and they were talking about some of the fun things about being in your 30s. One of them is that you really don't give a crap what people think anymore and you find out who your friends are. The other one entailed a 3 letter word that is adult, but THE fore-mentioned thought was what struck a cord with me. So, reading my blogs this morning, I realized that last year in August, sides were taken and lines were drawn on who would remain friends and who would fizzle. I loved everyone involved in this whole mess....well, except for the girl who attacked me. I didn't even know her except for from BUNKO and she expected me to defend her with something that I was told came from her mouth....see why gossip hurts so much? Anyways- as Christian as I am- most of you know I struggle with grace and forgiveness. I decided to forgive everyone involved....no body knew who did what...who was lying....what came from where. UGH...this list can go on forever. I remember Becky telling me to be careful and to really know how people are. I figured I knew these people longer than I knew her. How could I not know them?

Time went on and I started making awesome relationships through the store and started to realize my OLD friends were not anywhere to be seen most of the time. No phone calls, emails (unless they wanted to attack me on something, get some dirt, or thank me for something I did for them or said about their work or accomplishments...although I got a nice one from one that was sorry when the store had a fire and I lost the place I called home for a while), nothing. Even on the scrapbooking/papercrafting group I had been a part of for years was becoming less welcoming. I thought it was me and that I had done something. Then the web group decided it was time to call it quits because a lot of the people had been not active...some because of hurt feelings and other because of time. A lot of us tried to keep up with each other on FaceBook and others through personal emails. One even started a spin-off group that very few of us old members supported. I shake my head now because I knew in my heart this would happen, but I never realized how much real life could imitate a farm....you know, it is like a hen house. Most of these "hens" just decided to take their eggs and forget everything and everyone else.

While trying to contact a lot of them on Facebook....I saw another trend. I had them as friends, but they still cliqued together like school girls. I would comment on this one's new hair style, that one's neat pictures, whatever and I even tried to Facebook Friend a couple who ignored me...I just gave up. I thought we were all friends. It hurt to see them acknowledge each other and their faves when I had commented too. Then today....I got to see in pictures on one of my "friends" photo blogs that although last year they acted hurt and that everything had changed between them....nothing changed at all. They still hang and it's all good....I just am not longer going to waste my time on people who have only time for who and what they want. They comment where they want, they acknowledge where they want, they have get togethers that are exclusive, and expect no one to get hurt. Well, that is who got hurt....the person you treat as "no one".

So, I figured this. I know who has been acknowledging me, who treats me as a friend, who has been there, etc...if you are an adult and reading this....you get the gist. I realized...I have FaceBook Friends, who are not "friends" to me at all. They have been nothing more than acquaintances for a while now. So, I want to keep my life and everything in it to those who care...so I have decided to delete people who have turned into acquaintances.... I remember being so excited when I was able to be friends and keep up with so many of them on Facebook. They can see what I am up to on mutual friends' walls and stuff....but I am going with the fact that they will keep business as usual and not care. Which is fine, because after, mine and Becky's conversation last night....I don't care what people think anymore, I am tired of being the nice person, and I KNOW who my friends are.

For those of you who are my friends, you know...because we keep in touch a lot or comment each other's lives and what not. :)

Wow, this was very freeing.... I thought I would cry a lot more. :)