Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Girl, Our Girl (some decisions)

Sasha making cookies with me in Feb. 10

WOW, what a day it has been  (it is Thursday Morning @ 3am!)! I am still not sure if I am totally getting what all happened. I do know that Sasha has a LOT of MOMMIES that are ready to jump if she is at all looked at wrong or talked badly or even thought badly of. Yes, I am ONE of them, but I am more a diplomat….until I am ticked.

You see, all of us moms are a part of a unique part of our species. We just LOVE our babies…pretty much FOREVER. For a lot of us, this LOVE supersedes so much. Is it right? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

So why am I talking about all of this? Well, most of you know that Little Miss started preschool in September. Most of you who know Sasha, know that she just turned 3 in June. Well, there are a maybe two kids in the preschool that are young like her. The rest are turning 4 or getting ready to soon. So, being 3 and really never having done ANYTHING what-so-ever with school-like or church-like things, Sasha was put in a zone that she had never been in. She had never really been around other kids, although she is one of the most social kids out there. And….other than me, had never really been in a teaching environment.

Well, at first, after the first “hellish” day…I was thinking. Ok, this needs to be once a week for everyone’s sake. I could see frustration in some of the people’s faces and most of all….Sasha just didn’t seem to fit. I was totally chill though, because if any of you know what this family has been through because of people NOT getting us…we have dealt with people not getting our kids. It is ALL good. We don’t shelter either kid. Actually Sasha shelters herself quite well, she is a girl that will NOT do something if she does not feel right doing it. We talk to our children the way we talk to each other. We speak our minds and allow the kids too. We also allow them to be very open about their likes and dislikes and talk about each of them. The funny thing? Not before this situation, had I ever felt anything wrong with it.

So, here we go. We have been doing this for a month or a little more. I was just starting to think that maybe we could start doing the 2 days and then TODAY happened. The funny thing? God, speaks to me, I feel in so many ways. I am a Christian and am very open about my spirituality. I don’t push it on people, but I am not a person who hides either. Anyways, Tuesday night I just COULD NOT sleep. I kept seeing be having some type of break down and the people at the preschool home not being able to get any info out of me for calling Garth and what not. I was like: “Why the heck am I seeing this crap before bed?” I just did not get it. Then when I wasn’t fighting the vision anymore…it stopped, but then my mind started really going. There was a voice saying, “You know, Kat, this preschool experience is going to really hinder the way you and Sash are. It will change you both, but not in a good way. You need to stop.” Well, like every other time in my life….I ignore the most obvious voice in my life. The one who has never let me down yet. God’s.

Oprah says that God is quiet first. HE only whispers what you should be doing or if what you are doing won’t be fruitful. Then he gets a little louder before, like most parents, HE just can’t take it anymore and then HE screams.

Well, that SCREAM…came today and it HIT me. HARD.

Sasha had a beautiful morning. She watched her shows and got to see Jon before he left for school. She was ready to go to preschool and was excited to see her friends. We always sing the ABC Song and count on our way there. Today, I had to stop by the Boys’ and Girls’ Club to drop off Jon’s Football gear. So, we were running a little late. So, I called and just said we are going to be there.

We got there and of course….Sasha flips a switch. She wanted downstairs in the preschool area and then when she got there. She just STOPS and turns into a child that I am not sure is ok with preschool. They were learning about fire safety today and the teacher was awesome. She did a couple of exercises with the kids that were fun for them. They of course read too. And did worksheets.

So, while doing one of the exercises where the kids were crawling to get to and then out the front door. One of the kids….it was either mine or a little boy. Stepped on another little one’s foot. And of course being little, when you get stepped on…it hurts and you cry. Well, when asked what happened…her mama says, “She got stepped on.” and shoots a look at Sasha. I was like….hmm..ok. And then I stated switching to Auto-Pilot. Now, my hubby and my BFF (Bex) know what Auto-Pilot is for me. I start going into Damage Mode. The jury is still out as to if it is Damage Control or Doing Damage. LOL!

Well, we get downstairs and what is funny is that I really didn’t think anything of things like: Stopping Story time and telling all the kids it is BECAUSE of Sasha….when usually Story time has all the kids in a spacious circle…but somewhere it gets switched to a congested huddle. Here is a news flash….when the only room to get into a HUDDLED CIRCLE is the middle. Common Sense tells you….a 3 year old will get in the middle. Not to cause problems, but because they WANT to be included. Placing blame on them for the others getting their story taken away isolates them and brings in the next thing that happened.

So, the kiddos were working on a ladder with paper and scissors. And..Sasha really didn’t want me writing on her paper. She really was doing ok with gluing and stuff…but I needed to get her name on the paper. Well, she was telling me she didn’t want me writing on her paper. And…I hear a couple tables down, “Mom that girl is a BRAT!” I was like..You know that is ok…kids are kids and Sash really doesn’t even know what a BRAT is. Since we really have never used that word to describe anyone she knows. BUT….the little dude was quite tenacious about this opinion. So he kept saying it. The mom of the kid was trying to get him to stop, but I was already DONE. My heart just broke….because as a mom….I wanted to get up. Grab Sasha. AND….GO! I should have, really. But I was like, “No, let Sasha finish.” And what is funny…for a little person who isn’t well liked except by for maybe two kids, Sasha truly LOVES everyone. In fact, she tries to talk to all of the kids.

Anyways- with trying to hold it together; I switched to Auto-Pilot, and SNAPPED. Yep, unfortunately, not on the right people, but was a little harsh on Sasha. Well, way harsh….You know? I promised myself, my kids, and God a LONG time ago when we dealt with crap with Jon and our neighbors that I would NEVER let people change ME and make ME not be the MOM that I am MADE TO BE. Well, this place did it. I am so not proud of it either.

I got home, got Sasha in the house….was yelling at her about how she needs to stop acting the way she does at preschool and then I got hit with a SEMI. I needed to get in the shower. Sasha laid down with her blankie and I broke down in the shower. I got out of the shower and broke down again. Then, Garth called. I was talking to him and just lost it and everything hit and kept hitting me. Garth came home (THANK GOD) and comforted me and Sasha and said the only words I needed to hear. “HUN, YOU BOTH ARE DONE.” If you know Garth’s voice, it is very sweet and tender. I just couldn’t NOT agree 100%. He knows that I taught kids here for a few years and taught before that at Sonshine Christian Academy. So, I can do the preschool thing. I can get Sasha to groups that have role playing and dress up. She gets interaction from a lot of places.

Well, I was already agreeing with my hubby and then I talked with 2 of my good friends. My bestie (Bex), and Val. This is when the other MOMMIES in my little girl’s life come in. It is bad enough that I was as upset as I was (and there was a lot more leading up to today…but this was my breaking point and I am done trying), but the fact they feel that Sash was or had the potential of being judged or treated a certain way that was unfair to her as a 3 year old put them in PROTECT MODE. Of course, Bex, Sasha’s God-MAMA, was very passionate about how she felt and how she had a feeling since the beginning. And…really felt that Sasha needs to find a new “school home”. Val, Sasha’s Southern MAMA, felt that Sasha has always acted like her age and said that she knows and has dealt with problem children and Sasha is not one of those and really was wondering why there was a thought of going back and putting Sasha in more potentially hurtful (esteem-wise) situations. The sad thing? I was hoping that everyone would get to know the REAL SASHA….the Sasha that everyone who gets to know her sees. The funny girl. The sweet girl. The girl who never judges. The girl who befriends everyone. My girl. Our girl.

I lost sight of that girl today and lost sight of what really matters to me. My kids and how I am raising them. BUT….as a promise to both my kids….I learn from everything and THIS will NEVER happen again. As of today, right now, Sasha is over it and done with this preschool experience. Frankly, I am breathing a lot easier. :)

Thanks for reading. :)

1 comment:

  1. Kat, believe me when I say I know where you're coming from and I also know Sasha is just awesome. I'm sitting here with tears in me eyes because I know how bad that all hurts as a mom. I would never let someone say story time is over because of Robby but band time was over because of Robby. Like Sasha, he was taken out of the situation that was so hurtful to him. Sasha is a great kid! I've met her one time and if she were evil, I would have known lol. Evil kids kick and hurt and are mean intentionally. Sasha isn't. She isn't mean. Who cares that she didn't want her name on her paper? Did she call the BULLY a brat? Nope. She was just too busy for her name! lol Keep up the good work, sweety, and next time avoid the semi. ;D